Waking up to the hot-ass sun painfully penetrating one’s hung-the-fuck-over frontal lobe is enough to make any Enthusiast want to start throwing sheets to the wind. It’s summer, and street fairs, parks, playgrounds, public beaches, marathons, county fairs, and the slightly-less urine-soaked bus stop in front of your girlfriend’s stepmom’s apartment complex are looking ripe for the boozing in.*
In a pinch, any alcoholic substance within grabbing distance can (and should) be consumed outside—but there are certain hassles and risks involved when said outdoors is in what the courts define as “public.” So, if you have some imbibe-preparation time, here are a few insights to help your load stay light and legal record squeaky clean:
1. A 16-hour supply of beer is bulky as FUCK. For the Enthsiast on the go, that backpack of beer is your cross to bear. Same problem with bottles of wine, and the bladder from the Franzia box is a tad too conspicuous.
2. Liquor is quicker—but let’s face it: flasks don’t hold enough booze. Even the stylishness of this sneak-a-swig doesn’t compensate for the fact that you’re going to be out of Early Times before your first funnel cake. And you have to suspect that around each woven-goods stall in Anytown Main Street Fair USA a cop could be waiting—waiting—for you to pull that bottle of Taaka out of your bag so he can escort your enthusiastic ass across the car-blocking barricades in full view of curious, face-painted children and/or tipsy adults, uncomfortably waiting for Porta Potties.
3. That brings us to the mixed drink, recondite rotgut that can easily be consumed out of innocently-labeled plastic 20-ounce bottles. Even the tell-tale odor of spirits is cloaked in the sweet fragrance of beverages sold to the underage at any nearby 7-11 or Stop n’ Go. But don’t just go pouring your 80 proof into any old liquid to tote amongst the sweaty and security-filled masses. There are some considerations that have to be made:
– Sodas will flatten in minutes, and a club soda or tonic bottle will attract unwanted attention. (If you aren’t somehow gin-less and fending off malaria, there’s no reason you should drink virgin tonic.)
– Juice seems a likely option—and you can counteract the empty liquor calories with naturally-occuring vitamins! But once the sun moves across the horizon and that shit starts to heat up, your drink is hot, pulpy, and slowly fermenting into pruno. Unless you’re preparing for 18 months, eight with good behavior, of saving cafeteria oranges in your “back pocket” for your cellmate’s toilet bowl batch (or are looking to blacked-out-edly commit a crime that will get you there)—do not double-ferment.
4. The Enthusiast’s official public consumption recommendation? Ride the Gatorade train straight to Vitamin Waterville. Sweet, pulp-less, and brightly colored, these functional-benefit baring beverages are bursting with electrolytes, so you’re fighting the Monday morning hangover even as it’s being made! Their sport-drink nature means that they are intended to be consumed out in the sun and will ensure that you maintain the proper level of energy throughout the day. And of course, they are completely innocuous to the roving eye of The Man.
Cheers, fellow Enthusiasts—we’ll see you stumbling through the crowd.
*Just to be clear, this exploration of outdoor drinking does not include “festies” [as you dirty hippies like to call them], where you can simply ingest enough acid to manifest a tiki bar in the space where your inflamed appendix used to be, and happily slug frozen umbrella drinks until you wake up with orange slices in your mouth in the chillout tent. Rather, we mean to help you better navigate ground uncloaked by the imprints of myriad Birkenstock sandals and the haze of “for medicinal use only” marijuana smoke.