Ask The Enthusiast: Sobering up in Seattle

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that while in an enthusiastic state, common rules of decorum break down. Manners fall apart. People ass out. Chaos can ensue.

So we’re piloting a new column on TAE, Ask The Enthusiast, where you can ask us all your most enthusiastic, drinking-related questions. And which we will be happy to answer.

After we’ve made sweet sweet love on my … is this a cot?
This is called a cot, right? On my cot.

The lone fifth: To yoink or not to yoink?

If I am at a house party, it’s after beer-30, I’m planning to stay a while still, and I notice there is only one fifth of liquor left in the kitchen, is it okay for me to grab it and hide it in my purse to ensure I stay properly enthusiastic for the duration of my time there? Or do I need to share with the other guests?

—Sobering up in Seattle

Dear Seattle:

The fact that you have used the word “sober” in your sign-off alarms me and indicates to me that your search for the answer to your question is genuine and sincere, and that you may in fact be in some kind of physical danger. Since your question has multiple levels of complexity, I’d like to help you sort it out by first breaking it down into its component parts. First of all:

— “…and I notice there is only one fifth of liquor left in the kitchen…”

The key here is that you are saying “I” and not “me and a bunch of other fools.” Why is this? Well, as an enthusiast, you are equipped with some natural abilities that exceed that of a normal human while inebriated. Therefore, the answer to your question lies less in the realm of “inebriettiquete” and more squarely rooted in the realm of the hard sciences.

The eye of a normal human can only see a maximum of three frectrums of wet/dry differentios. The Enthusiast—up to seventy quee. What does this mean?

In layman’s terms: non-enthusiasts simply cannot see the difference between empty and full bottles when drunk. Take the image of the graveyard of empty bottles below for example:

This party’s over, right?

Now take a look at the same image, showing what an Enthusiast’s augmented vision sees:

(Enthusavision augmentation simulation generously provided by NASA and a grant from the Carnegie Institute.)

And that’s why that lone fifth isn’t being treated like a slice of bacon in a kennel. Right now, it’s just you and Jim. Making eyes at each other. Wondering who’s going to break the silence first … which leads us to the next layer of your conundrum:

—   ­“…is it okay for me to grab it and hide it in my purse…”

Well, it’s just sitting there invisible to everyone but you, as science has just irrefutably proven. So the answer is clearly yes, both morally and scientifically … you can’t steal something no one can see, that’s preposterous! So it’s not morally wrong. And you can’t hide something that’s already invisible. Because science.

Which leads us to the peeling of the layer of onion that gets us to the core of the apple:

—   “…Or do I need to share with the other guests?”

The answer to that, Seattle, as I think I’ve extrapolated from our exhaustive dissection of your situation, is fuck no.

Look at it this way. If they can’t see it, they’re not going to drink it. If they’re not going to drink it, it might as well be empty. Which is how you’re going to replace it.

Right after you meet me at the spot we talked about so we can rip through that bottle in four minutes of quarters.
—The Alcohol Enthusiast