Oct
14
2010

You’re doin’ it wrong!

—Jason

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that our best intentions may have gone astray. In fact, they may have jumped into a jeep, lit themselves on fire and driven headlong into the Grand Canyon, Thelma & Louise style…

Here are 4 ways of getting drunk we’ve recently heard of, and we’ve just gotta say … you’re doing it wrong.

4. Russian aftershave


Although I am still awaiting confirmation from our Russian correspondent, this seems like a very Russian thing to do, and I have no reason to doubt that it is happening.

According to one source: “Boasting a 97 percent alcohol content that should earn it a skull and crossbones on the label, the cheap aftershaves are often bottled to resemble cheap vodka, because, you know, drinking out of an actual aftershave bottle would just be humiliating.”

Humiliating indeed. So, unless you have taken your nationality quite literally, there’s really no reason to be in such a hurry to get hammered.

7:03pm.  New text from Sasha: Missed you at the club the other night, Vlad.

3. Eyeballing

Eyeballing is the quite horrifying (and unintentionally hilarious) new trend of drinking vodka through your eye. That’s right. Your eye.

If you are an “eyeballer”, let us fill you in on some scientifical research we’ve done at our R&D labs here in the Bay Area. At last count, we at the Enthusiast have ascertained that the human body has seven (7) holes in it. Congratulations on understanding that 6 of those are not for putting alcohol into, however—(spoiler alert!) the eye is not a hole.

Oooooh…sorry. We were looking for mouth. Mouth. You drink through your mouth. But thanks for playing. Enjoy never having depth perception again.

And this is apparently not just a passing fad—popular in the UK and US alike, there are about 1000 YouTube entries under “vodka in the eye”…compared to other popular fads like, “vodka and Redbull,” which has 1,710 YouTube entries. Eyeballing vodka even has a Facebook page- here.

(Then again, I do question my own definition of “more than a passing fad” when “why did I punch myself in the face” yields 5070 videos.)

We’re all for innovation here at TAE. We loves us a new drink now and again. But we have never felt a need to reinvent the wheel when it comes to where the hooch goes. Call us old-fashioned. Or you an idiot.

2. Snorting/Gas chamber

First, let me tell you what this is: this is when you take some Sambuca, vodka, absinthe or other high proof flammable spirit … and wait, let me finish…

You pour it on some sugar in a spoon, boil it up with a lighter, trap the fumes in a pint glass and suck up the fumes. Then you drink the drink. Or, if you’re Amy Winehouse—you snort the drink through your nose as well. This is what you get when you hire heroin addicts to create cocktails.

You know when you go to AA or another type of recovery program and you get to the step where you have to share your horrible horrible stories of the terrible things you did to yourself while looking at a picture of yourself as a child? And then you apologize to the picture, and everyone hugs you and there’s catharsis and shit? Well, if you get to that step and the story you tell is about how you “drank” vodka, sambuca or absinthe through your nose, this is what you’ll see when you apologize to the kid in the picture:

Either this or the photo simply bursts into flame in your hands.

1. Slimming

Yeah…read about what it is and then thank me in the comments for not including a photo of this one.

Well this one’s a big bucket of batshit insane. Slimming—and we wish we were kidding—is the soaking of a tampon with vodka for insertion into the vagina or anus to get drunk and eliminate the smell from being on your breath. (Pro tip: vodka’s the one that doesn’t smell, kids! That’s why it’s also known as “work water”…)

Girls: If you are old enough to use tampons, then you should be aware of this by now—there are enough problems that happen to you simply by keeping a vagina on your person all day long.

Like spilling and poutyface. 🙁

It sucks, and it’s not fair, but that’s why there’s an army of specialists and a wing of the library of Congress devoted to your nether regions. Men do not have this issue. In fact, most doctors of any kind also take a weekend course and get certified in dicks as well. (Let me save you a copay: wash it and don’t fuck animals.)

Guys: If you are so worried about smelling drunk that you are willing to shove a booze soaked tampon up your ass, then you need to come out here and visit the Castro, because your new home awaits.  Here you can have ALL KINDS of booze soaked things put in your ass AND get drunk, and the smell on your breath … well, let’s just say that’s a very different conversation for you and mom to have.

We feel that anyone caught doing these things needs a refresher course on what it means to be an Enthusiast. (Cue patriotic music)

You see, enthusiasm isn’t about just getting drunk. It’s not about camouflaging what you do, or finding new and innovative ways to hide it from your parents, spouse, or boss. It’s not about the quickest or highest-proof way to get enthused. It’s not about gimmicks, trends, or apparatus.

It’s about pride. Enthusiasm is about the journey. It’s about apologetically taking the highs with the lows. It’s as much about the hangover as it is the Hangar One ™. It’s knowing that if you choose to get hammered there will be a Nail waiting for you as well …and enjoying every minute of it. Because we here—we are enthusiasts. Alcohol Enthusiasts. Now quit reading this and go out and get drunk through your mouth!!

FOR AMERICA!!

Pouty girl photo courtesy of mciarleg, flickr.

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