—Haley

No one is ever surprised to hear I work in a bar. What usually causes a few confused stares and a snicker or three is that I work in a country western bar—a saloon, actually. If the 8-foot sign reading “SALOON” by the front door does not alert you to the fact that you have atmospherically left Southeast Portland and been transported to somewhere in the middle of Montana or Wyoming, the saddle atop an old wooden barrel in front of the bar, the sepia-inspired lighting and extensive bourbon selection ought to do the trick.

If, however, your senses are too bewildered and booze-hazy for all of this to make an impression, the sounds of Merle Haggard, Dwight Yoakam, Hank Williams (yes, Sr. and Jr.), or Johnny Cash will eventually tip even the most overly-enthusiastic of you off.
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—Christian and Josey

We Enthusiasts know that the best way to soak up too much turkey—or Tofurkey, for you crazy vegetarians—stuffing, and mashed potato is by drinking. Heavily.

Aside from it’s science-proven health benefits, booze can go a long way to make family time more bearable. When surrounded by a crowd of people who may or may not approve of your job, how you dress, your five polyamorous life partners, or—GOD FORBID—the number of drinks you down at family functions, it’s all a lot easier to manage when your belly is brimming with boozy cheer. Not to mention that holidays provide yet another perfect excuse to get schnockered before the sun sets.

The eye-opener: Start your morning off right with mimosas and coffee—Enthusiast style! Stash an extra, secret bottle of bubbly near the back of the fridge so you can share with Cousin Sue and still have enough left over for you. You only need to add enough orange juice to your champagne flute for an acceptable tint of color that will help your parents imagine you drink like a “normal person.” And coffee is the perfect vehicle for a whiskey from your preferred world region. Even if your relatives are the teetotaling type and you’ve already finished off the bottle you brought, there’s probably a bottle of something-hard one of your likeminded family members stashed in the bathroom cabinet during their last stay.
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—Christian

As is commonly known, throughout history there have been times when beer was a more salubrious potation than the water of a given region. Reasons for this abound, the most common being E. coli and other such contaminants found in untreated drinking water. Beer, on the other hand, utilizes boiling in the fermentation process and hence contains a more purified liquid. This, in essence, made the final product the healthiest option for quenching one’s thirst in those troubled times of yore.
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—Josey

Today, we present two snapshots of the comically wasted.

1. You know how in zombie movies, when the non-zombie protagonists are escaping to safety in an enclosed vehicle, and zombies surround the vehicle and are heavily thumping their rotting appendages against the doors? And pressing their moaning, sallow and hollow-eyed faces against the windows? We had accomplished what can be an impossible task during the post-last call hours in the City by the Bay—we hailed a cab. No sooner had we hoisted our booze-weakened bodies into the backseat, than she with the empty gaze, teetering in strappy, pencil-heeled sandal, pressed palm against glass to steady herself and grabbed at the door handle. Our cab driver immediately locked us in, giggling at what was probably the 8 billionth wasted dame to attempt to commandeer his occupied back seat. Quivering, we heard her palm smack the window and fingers ineffectively yank at the handle.  Seconds dragged on as she futilely struggled. Finally, the light changed and we left Ms. Zombie Apocalypse behind.

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—Josey

I have to write. After work. I will not go to happy hour. I will head straight home, crack open my laptop, and I will write. I will ignore the late afternoon nervous tick of emails inquiring about today’s “HH.” I will respond to the influx of “what are you guys up to tonight?” texts with an apologetic emoticon face, and a confident “have to write.” Shocked and pleading follow-ups thwarted by my assertions that This Needs to Happen; requisite jokes about the irony of The Alcohol Enthusiast turning down invites to booze, followed by “shhh don’t tell anyone,” winky emoticon face, “oh if they only knew.”

But not drinking is not my secret because that has never happened. When the HH emails and the party-time texts come through the enthusiasm-trembles start pulsing, the anxious inner-pace begins. Then the desks around me turn ghost town, and visions turn to vodka, and visions become karaoke and peep shows and 4am.

It’s hard to write The Alcohol Enthusiast when you’re an alcohol enthusiast.
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—Christian

There’s been a lot of recent press about a caffeinated malt liquor beverage know as Four Loko. Apparently it’s been causing college kids to succumb to alcohol poisoning at higher frequencies than normal. The theory is that the stimulants in the 23.5oz beverage prevent its drinkers from experiencing the sedative effects of the relatively high alcohol content (12%). Hence, they are able to consume more without slowing down and thusly they end up drinking and drinking until their BAC turns off the lights.

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