Thanksgiving for Enthusiasts

—Christian and Josey

We Enthusiasts know that the best way to soak up too much turkey—or Tofurkey, for you crazy vegetarians—stuffing, and mashed potato is by drinking. Heavily.

Aside from it’s science-proven health benefits, booze can go a long way to make family time more bearable. When surrounded by a crowd of people who may or may not approve of your job, how you dress, your five polyamorous life partners, or—GOD FORBID—the number of drinks you down at family functions, it’s all a lot easier to manage when your belly is brimming with boozy cheer. Not to mention that holidays provide yet another perfect excuse to get schnockered before the sun sets.

The eye-opener: Start your morning off right with mimosas and coffee—Enthusiast style! Stash an extra, secret bottle of bubbly near the back of the fridge so you can share with Cousin Sue and still have enough left over for you. You only need to add enough orange juice to your champagne flute for an acceptable tint of color that will help your parents imagine you drink like a “normal person.” And coffee is the perfect vehicle for a whiskey from your preferred world region. Even if your relatives are the teetotaling type and you’ve already finished off the bottle you brought, there’s probably a bottle of something-hard one of your likeminded family members stashed in the bathroom cabinet during their last stay.

In the kitchen: Nothing goes better with sharp knives, open flames, and a 450 degree oven than getting tanked. Keep a glass of something simple handy while cooking, and if you’re really dedicated to the enthusiastic cause, you’ll be sure to include booze in whatever you’re making. Try a quintessentially American treat: beer-can turkey and bourbon glazed yams. With Jager bomb cupcakes for dessert.

Cocktail hour: While putting the finishing touches on your feast, cocktail hour is highly recommended. Anything will do to grease the dinner-conversation wheels, but if you’re looking to impress and prove you’re a “classy drunk,” you might want to spice things up with a festive cocktail. This year we plan to shake up some pumpkin chai martinis. Eggnog is a classic option, as is mulled cider or wine. Bourbon milk punch, while served icy cold, is another tasty option as it’s full of the flavors of winter holidays. And volunteering to be bartender means you can take shots between mixing, relatively undetected.

Feast: Well-lubricated from cocktail hour, it’s time to bust open the Beaujolais Nouveau. The wine gods and goddesses clearly got together with the turkey, potato, and gravy forest nymphs and planned this one out—Beaujolais is released every year exactly a week before America’s favorite day of gluttony, and no drink pairs better with a Thanksgiving feast. That said, there’s truly nothing worse than the cock-tease pour—getting just one glass of some delicious vineyard ambrosia before running out—so stock up on bottles beforehand, and keep your corkscrew handy. The worst thing that could happen is you’ll have to drink the rest yourself.

Food coma: After gorging, a digestive like Fernet can help settle your stomach. Is there anything booze can’t do?! The best thing about Fernet is that two or three digestion-assisting drinks later, you’re halfway to Wastedopolis again, full of enthusiasm, and ready to venture out and embarrass yourself at your hometown dive bars.

Now bear in mind, friends, that Thanksgiving has one of the highest DUI rates of the year in America, after the Super Bowl and New Year’s Eve. So don’t be a dickhead, and if you’re not feasting at home, get ready to kick your shoes off before crashing on Auntie’s brand new, plush … Pergo flooring. If you’re a fancy-pants, pack a sleeping bag. And if you’re a sensitive little girl—a pillow.

In the end, Thanksgiving is about getting together with people that you care about (or can at least grin and bear the company of). So cheers, Enthusiasts! And remember that in addition to being thankful for your relatively-okay health and happiness-while-drunk, you can always be thankful for booze.

Special thanks to fellow Enthusiast, Andy, for the Beaujolais tip!

Enthusiastic turkey image courtesy of Dina-Roberts Wakulczyk, flickr.