Jan
26
2011

Five secret flasks

—Josey

1. Wine rack/beer belly: Ever wanted people to point, stare, and loudly whisper mean, insulting things about you and your drinking habits—more so? Ladies, your search for nasty gossip fodder ends here. Sport the wine rack and the booze belly at the same time and presto: Wasted and preggers! Or for a shorter event where less snuck-in booze is needed, look hot instead of creepy with a cheap, surgery-free boob job. The fastest way to any hunky drunk’s heart is letting him suckle your alcohol-filled fake breasts, right? (Hey baby, want a taste?)

2. Cell phone flask:  No one would ever suspect this cell phone’s really a flask—in 2003. C’mon dudes: Make an iPhone version so we can actually get away with this. We live in goddamn San Francisco, for fuck’s sake! We’re snobs! And the belt holder? Bitch, please. Ok fine. I still want it.


3. Booze Bible: Your pew-mates will think you’re super pious as you arrive at <insert denomination of choice here> services on Sunday morning with your very own Bible—unless they’re even a teensy bit observant, in which case they’ll spot you sipping from a flask that’s not very well hidden in it’s pages. So, I guess they’ll just continue to think you’re a crazy drunk. Wait, why are we in church again? Alternatively, freak out your fellow regulars at <insert watering hole of choice here> when you show up toting the Lord’s good words. They’ll fear you’ve gone all AA on them—until you open the book and it’s totally obvious it’s a fake Bible with a flask hidden inside. Do we want this boozey Bible? Of course. Do we think we’d be fooling anyone with it? Not unless we’re balckkeddxz out.

4. Barnoculars: Isn’t it embarrassing when you’re peering through your neighbor’s windows as they shower, cry, or enjoy un-inhibited, passionate lovemaking sessions thinking that no one is watching them? And they catch you drinking as you leer and/or touch yourself? Pervs, have we got the hide-a-flask for you! And by “you pervs” we mean “the Alcohol Enthusiast.” Cheers! Hurh hurh.

5. Cane flask: It will help you get falling-down drunk, and keep your balance at the same time! Whoa. Simultanous opposite forces!!!!! There’s only one cure for this confusion—and oh my god, the cane can provide that, too! Is there anything the flask cane can’t do?!?? (PS: Someone has a birthday this year, and she’s got her eye on the sweet Canadian flag number. Hint, hint)

Peeping image from Jacek Sniecikowski (flickr)

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