Sometimes you are drunk and there is no way to acquire food not made by your own hand. Maybe you left your debit card at the bar and then spent your last dollars plugging the receding window at the peepshow. Or maybe it’s 4:00am and you don’t live in New York, so the closest place that’s open 24-hours would require too sobering a walk to make it worth it. Perhaps you finally made it home where the booze is, so why would you want to leave again? Regardless of the reason, there comes a time in every Enthusiast’s life that they need to cook. More specifically, cook while less than sober.
The first step is to take an honest self-assessment of how drunk you really are. Can you stand without one hand on the counter? Good, let’s reach for the frying pan. No? Maybe get out a bowl and spoon instead. As I’m sure you know, food prep can be a pretty dangerous activity, even while sober, so your choice of meal should take into careful consideration how acute your motor skills are at the time.
If you’re still able to see straight with both eyes open, your drunk dining options are primarily limited by the ingredients you have on hand. Bearing in mind that complicated dishes will almost undoubtably fail (leave the souffle for another time). Aim for things that simply need to be heated. Pasta, for example (although you better be pretty steady of hand—dumping a pot of boiling water on your feet is going to make the night a whole lot less fun). My go-tos in college were made up of items I could buy in bulk at Costco and freeze the majority of in week’s-worth portions. Quesadillas were a big one; hot dogs, too. And I always kept ravioli around. I actually (vaguely) remember one friend saying at 3:30am, “you cook drunk more than anyone I know.”
For the truly wasted, stick to cold food. Cereal is a great option. The milk will fill you up and the grain will help to soak up some of the booze in your stomach. This is also a fun time to eat leftovers. Your deadened taste buds will thrill at the remembered flavors presented at a novel temperature. More than likely, though, you’re just going to end up pulling everything out of the fridge and dipping the hard stuff into the soft stuff. Which is fine. You may find that pregnant women are really on to something.
But there are definitely a few things you should avoid while drunk. Knives are a big one. Cutting up your hand is almost inevitable and never a good thing (largely because to help your blood congeal you’re supposed to stop drinking). While I do still have all my fingers, I’ve definitely receive a few nasty cuts in my day (incidentally, almost all while drinking at the office). Ovens, in the absence of proper mit-use, won’t hurt at the time, but you’ll feel that shit in the morning. The perils of boiling water have already been mentioned. And god forbid you have a deep-frier. I know that beer-battered, bacon-wrapped, deep-fried White Castle burgers taste in-fucking-credible (see below), but you’re gonna get hurt.
So follow these simple instructions and you’ll be fine. Just remember, pet food is NOT viable nourishment.
This is the only image of said fried White Castle delicacy I could find when searching on flickr, and I was surprised to realize that I knew the photographer, and was actually there the night the photo was taken! Further proof that this idea is truly an original. And insanely delicious. You’re welcome.