May
06
2011

Quiz: Are you drunk right now?

—Josey

Are you drunk right now? You might think so, but you might not be. That’s why we’ve created this helpful quiz: Just answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions and put suspicions about your sobriety to bed once and for all.


1. Are you seeing double? Are you seeing double?
….1a) How many fingers am I holding up?

2. Does buying a round of Patrón for the bar sound like a great way to liquidate your checking account?
….2a) Does buying a second round on your Visa sound like a great way to build credit?

3. Are you hilarious?
….3a) Did you just realize you’ve always been the funniest dude around and know you have a promising future as a stand-up comedian?
……..3a1) Are you practicing your routine right now?
…………3a1i) On strangers?
…………3a1ii) While standing on the bar?
…………3a1iii) Did your audience forget to laugh?

4. Are you shirtless?

5. Are you pantless/skirtless?
….5a) Are you commando?

6. Are you on Facebook right now?
….6a) Have you posted on someone’s wall?
……..6a1) On more than three people’s walls?
……..6a2) On more than seven?
…………6a2i) Are they close friends?
…………6a2ii) Are they co-workers?
…………6a2iii) Your boss?
…………6a2iv) Your teetotaler parents?
…………6a2v) Your AA sponsor?

7. Have you been drexting*?
….7a) Exes?

8. Have you drialed**?
….8a) Did you order something?
……..8a1) Are you devouring a tray of sashimi for 10?
……..8a2) Are you in a limo?
……..8a3) Are you watching TV?
…………8a3i) Is a package of 12 8oz steakburgers from the Kansas City Steak Company due to arrive at your residence in 2-4 weeks?
…………8a3ii) Is a Forza Stainless Steel Black Cross Pendant Necklace? (Because you’ve been meaning to “rediscover your faith and want to share this with the world?”)

9. Do you think you can freestyle?
….9a) Are you flowing right now?

10. Are cops your best friends?
….10a) Did you hug a cop?
……..10a1) Did you get tased?
……..10a2) Are you in jail?

11. Do you want to give me a piggyback ride?

12. Do you want me to give you a piggyback ride?
….12a) Are you lunging toward me right now in a manner that suggests you’re planning to jump on my back in expectation of a piggyback ride, despite the fact that I never agreed to one?

13. Are you arm-wrestling?
….13a) Shirtless?

14. Are you plugging your last, few sweaty dollars into the receding window of a peep show?
….14a) Are you crying?

14. Do you love me, man?
….14a) Am I like, your best friend—man?

15. How hot is that bartender, am I right?
….15a) Do you think you can score with the bartender?
……..15a1) With this line? “Nice legs, what time do they open?”

16. Are you ballckkedx ooutt?

If you answered “yes” to a bunch of these questions—you’re probably drunk. Or maybe you’re just a douchebag.

*Drexting= drunk + texting
**Drialed= drunk + dialed

Thumbs-up guy picture courtesy of ImipolexG, flickr.

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