There are two things we don’t think work better drunk here at the Alcohol Enthusiast, and driving is one of them. (The other one is your mom’s penis, in case you were wondering—heyo!) So I’ll preface this road trip list with a big “IF.” IF you can sober up long enough to drive someplace or you’re a really excellent
liar who feigns a pitiable combination of congenital Strabismus and inability to operate your household’s only vehicle because it’s a stick shift person whose friends crave their company so deeply they offer to stay off the sauce for a few hours to drive you all somewhere super sweet for the weekend, here’s what you should bring to ensure a bitching time:
- World’s Smallest Bottle of Maker’s Mark. Your buddies will think you’re a baller during that first-night motel or campground nip—they don’t need to know the rest of the vacation booze is on them!
- $50 in crisp singles. Obvi.
- Condoms and lube. Enthusiasts need love, too. And we don’t know where your mom’s been—oh wait, yes we do.
- A flask disguised as your massive, heavy bosom. Or a Bible. So you can enjoy your roadie and keep your DD out of the ‘tank at the same time.
- A Big Gulp Cup. When you’re feeling dehydrated and need to get your fade(rade) on.
- A brown bag. To camouflage the Normal Size Bottle of Maker’s Mark your friends bought for
everyone to share later that nightyour enjoyment. Hey man… the cops have better things to do then care about an “open” “container,” okay? Don’t you love being the perma-asshole in the passenger seathate your debilitating Strabismus?
- A straw. Fuck you bitches. I’ll drink wherever the fuck I want!
- Your saddest puppy dog eyes. And pouty, trembling lower lip. Make amends, asshole.
- Hangover alleviation supplies. We’re talking coconut water, raw apple cider vinegar and aloe juice (don’t you dare call us hippies, we’ll beat you with a bag of chia seeds—there’s nothing wrong with being a healthy-conscious drunk). drinkwel vitamins. Painkillers of the strongest-you-can-get-your-dirty-mitts-on variety (see? Not hippies. Just natives of Northern California and Vermont. Oh. Right). (Medical) Marijuana (NorCal and VT, remember?).
- Pack of cards. For a rousing round of King’s Cup.
- And, if you feel like doing something NICE for once… A travel bar!
Happy trails, Enthusiasts!
Sleepy passenger photo courtesy of kotog, flickr.