Just as everyone who drinks has a drunk personality type, those of us who drink to excess also experience our drunk personality’s bloated and dehydrated evil sister-in-law—the hungover personality type.
Let’s take a look at a few of the more common:
The Teetotaler. 364 days a year, he’s the quiet guy in the back cubical who looks confused when you regale him with stories about your brother’s bachelor party last weekend in South Lake. He’s a cyclist who forgoes a slice for the side salad when pizza’s delivered to a noon meeting, and he spends Saturdays cheering his kids on at their various sporting events. The 365th day is the Work Holiday Party. He shows up early and downs tequila shots like they’re going out of style. Then he guzzles bourbon, Scotch, vodka, rum, gin, and 1/3 of the bottle of Windex the bartender was using to wipe up his most recent vomit, as though a meteor was headed toward Earth and scientists said the only way to save civilization was to drink anything that might contain even a trace amount of alcohol. After 40 minutes he’s carried out shirtless, his phone number scrawled in Sharpie on his forearm. At 6 the next morning he’s inexplicably pumping iron in the gym, vowing to himself he’ll “never get that drunk again,” and deciding to bike “the long way” to work to “sweat out the toxins.” At 8:50, a mere 12 hours after he’s attempted to crowd surf across his co-workers, he’s merrily typing away at his desk, proclaiming through chipped front teeth that he did, indeed, “have a wonderful time at the holiday party.” Until next year.
The Hypochondriac. She may have been dancing on the bar and calling you a “pussy” for refusing to do body shots with her last night, but today she’s calling you tearfully from bed. It’s an emergency: She needs you to deliver aspirin and Chinese take-out now, get her 8 glasses of water, and a “just in case” bucket. She’s “definitely going to puke” if she even sits upright to order her egg rolls, let alone braves a trip to the corner store. The morning after the morning after, and the one after that, she’s still too weak to shower or do anything more strenuous than watch a Teen Mom 2 marathon and calls in sick to work because this is the “most hungover she has ever been in her entire life.” Miraculously, her vice-like head pain and nausea always subside in time for Thirsty Thursday happy hour.
Misery Loves Company. The last thing you remember was shots while the sun was rising. Now it’s mid-morning, and he’s calling you not only freshly showered and dressed in an outfit he didn’t pass out in—but from the long line at your favorite local brunch spot. He’s saving all your places and can’t wait to recap that crazy night over omellettes and mimosas—you’re never going to believe what Jessica’s sister did after you left, oh man. You’re still trying to figure out whose floor you just woke up on and he’s already planned what sounds like way-too-full day of “hangover activities” for everyone from the party. After brunch, we’ll grab a sixer and walk to the park—should he bring his frisbee, volleyball, soccer ball, or all three? Tell him you’re more of a bocce man to buy yourself some time to locate your pants.
Three more of the most common hungover personality types coming soon in Part II!