Mar
17
2012

An Enthusiast’s guide to bar crawls

—Josey

Have you ever been in your local pub and seen a group of people walk in, drink, and then leave together, excitedly proclaiming how awesome the previous establishment was and how thrilled they are to soon visit the next one, and wondered to yourself: “How do I get in on that?”

Well today is your lucky day.

In honor of our Annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade of Drunken Monkeyshines (now with 10% more flimflam and claptrap) here’s our guide to throwing a bitchin’ bar crawl. (If you attend the Parade and have a horrible time, you have only this guide to blame for your misery.)


1. Normal clothes are like assholes. You know how sex is super lame and boring—almost repulsively so—unless you’re dressed as your squirrel fursona Tammy Trees, and he’s roaring and wearing a lion mask? Bar crawls work the same way. Save that pedestrian, plain-Jane, naked-skin-bullshit for the office and pick a costume theme for your crawl. Plus, just imagine how adorable your drunks will look when they’re all match-matchy! Awwwww…

2. Invite cool people. No lames allowed! Unless you get off on being your crew’s Den Mother, avoid inviting anyone you’re going to have to carry. A good test: Anyone who looks shocked, surprised, or a little disgusted when you mention the crawl starts at noon and everyone’s expected to kick-off with a shot of bourbon, is going to turn more Mess than Hot by bar 1.5. Do the mature thing and pretend you hear someone shouting your name in the distance, then run off before they realize their loser-ass is uninvited.

3. Don’t forget your solids. While booze may be the ultimate super food (it’s science, look it up), the reality is you’re going to need some solids to keep you going for 12-22 hours of drinking. Cook yourself a hearty breakfast full of the complex carbohydrates and protein your body needs to soak up the rising tide of booze you’re pouring into it and to stay strong enough to kick ass at the inevitable last-call arm-wrestling competition (anyone want a piece of me, by the way?)

4. Be cool, bro. Carry cash, be polite, have your ID ready, tip your bartenders well. Don’t shove your fellow patrons out of the way in a panic that the bar’s running out of booze. In fact, if strangers seem cool—recruit them to join! But you already know this. If you’re reading this blog you’re one of the good drunks, but *other* people’s bar crawls can attract a certain (ahem) amateur element. Don’t be that guy.

5. Easy. Eaaaaaasy. Start strong, but don’t get sloppy. That whole, I’m-just-going-to-go-home-and-take-a-nap-I’ll-meet-up-with-you-guys-in-an-hour thing never fucking works, and we all know it. If you go home to sleep off the day drinking you’re going to wake up at 3am, parched as fuck, with 35 missed calls, 60 errantly capitalized text messages, and three 26-minute voicemails proclaiming that You’re a Lying Piece of Shit and No One Likes You Anymore, You Lying Piece of Shit. Besides: You wouldn’t want to miss the after party.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Drunk furry photo by me
Cool kid sunglasses photo courtesy of viviandnguyen, flickr
Big breakfast photo courtesy of practical owl, flickr
Angelic dude photo courtesy of toastforbrekkie, flickr
Marathon photo courtesy of agyorke102, flickr

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