Taste test: Whiskey Dick


Whiskey Dick is more than just every enthusiastic man’s nightmare. It’s also the name of a bourbon-flavored lube. I’m a long-time fan of both bourbon and putting penises in my mouth, so this lube is basically the realization of like, about a third of my fantasies.

Because I’m a distinguished member of the alcoholic press, I emailed the Whiskey Dick company‘s super-official “media” address, basked in my own specialness for a few, and waited patiently for my Whiskey Dick to arrive. And guess what? My Whiskey Dick popped up—I mean, didn’t pop up—later that night! Take my wife, please.

Eventually the Whiskey Dick did arrive in the mail and I was able to conduct a scientific taste test, much to Christian’s chagrin. As far as flavor goes, Whiskey Dick is basically just sweet.

The smell is another story. Whiskey Dick smells like shame. (Like, duh.) But like, the shameiest shames: It smells like puking at 8am in the parking lot of a suburban 7-11. Like waking naked in some really gross person’s bed, and when you think it can’t get any worse you realize it’s waaaaaay worse because they’ve urinated on themselves, and also a little on you, in their sleep. It tastes, in short, exactly like Old Crow.

Would I recommend Whiskey Dick? Hell yes I would. Because oral sex and bourbon go together like drunks and shame and because fuck you, there is nothing wrong with Old Crow.