Oct
17
2012

Drinking with strabismus


I am bad at almost all drinking games because I don’t have good depth perception. Being bad at drinking games means losing, which means drinking. So really, who’s the loser now, Sober McSoberstein?

I know it sounds like a lame excuse when I overshoot the rack at beer pong and blame strabismus, but it’s real, I swear to god. Ask my mom! I’ll show you baby pictures, I wore glasses as an infant, I was the nerdiest baby of the 80s and that was a geeky-ass decade!

Oops, wrong baby picture. This explains a lot though, doesn’t it?

I don’t shoot zero in half-court BasketPong because of my intoxication or depressing lack of athleticism—it’s my depth perception! It’s the worst. I can’t parallel park either, and yes it’s my eyes’ fault and not because I’m like, a terrible old lady driver.

Last time I hurled ping pong balls at my laughing friends then hid after in the bathroom banging my face against the mirror in shame and saying “you dumb bitch, you dumb useless bitch, you’re nothing, you’re trash, you trashy useless stupid bitch” and crying played beer pong I drank a fuck ton of Pabst, and that’s what’s up! Laugh it up but you know you’re kinda #jelly that I’m pouring half-full Red Solo cups of room temperature PBR past my sadness-quivering lips while you’re over there just being all admired and shit and high-fiving everyone and basking in a chorus of cheers and getting picked first for dodgeball in freshman year PE, um, I mean for the next round of beer pong. Self esteem, what? who cares? Sorry I can’t understand you over the hum of my warm beer buzz.

Strabismus is a particular nuisance for we Enthusiasts also when it comes to Johnny Law. I live in San Francisco now and no longer operate ever a motorized vehicle, but back in the day when I did I discovered I am unable—when sober as a motherfucking judge (Ed. Note: is that really the expression? It doesn’t sound right. Someone Google that shit for me)—to pass a field sobriety test. That thing where cops ask you to follow with your eyes their finger? Yeah, my eye crosses. Like Lindsey Lohan “I-swear-ociffer-I-was-only-drinking-kombucha” style. My opticion says if I ever plan to drive again she’ll give me a doctor’s note, cause that shit’s ridiculous.

In conclusion, strabismus is not really that big a deal for those of us who don’t have like, horrible cases of it. But it’s a TOTAL pain in the ass when you’re a high-functioning alcoholic cause of all the stuff I just mentioned.

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