Dec
10
2012

An Enthusiast’s guide to gifts for drunks

—Josey

When you’re known for drinking a lot, or when your entire public identity is say, based on the fact that you write an alcohol blog, people tend to be afraid to go on pub crawls with you or come to your house (although in retrospect that second one might have nothing to do with the drinking…).

Anyways, my point is this: You receive almost exclusively as gifts bottles and bottles and bottles of booze. I swear I’m not complaining—pretty please don’t ever stop giving me booze!—but let’s say you want to stand out in the eyes of a special drunken someone, or maybe you want to give your favorite drunk a present that will take them longer than 34 minutes to ingest (huh, that didn’t come out right). In any case, here are some solid gift ideas:

Drinkwel: Since you don’t have magic powers and can’t exactly banish from your favorite drunks’ mornings forever their wretched hangovers, we suggest buying them Drinkwel. We’ve written extensively about our favorite hangover-alleviating vitamin, and if you’ve partied with us, we’ve probably tried to force-feed it to you (those were just vitamins, I swear!)


Foldable flat shoes: You know when you’re wasted and you decide you want to challenge strangers to a footrace? But you’re wearing 5″ heels and your friends are all like, “OMG bitch, you’re gonna break your ankles—ummm yeah, both of them—if you run in those because you are not just wasted, you motherfucker are sloppy-wasted right now. And uh, please stop looking at me like that”? And you’re like, yeah ok. And then you’re like, but hold up, this is San Francisco and the streets are covered in human feces so I probs shouldn’t just run barefoot. Well that scenario is the only logical one in which you’d ever want foldable flats.

BasketPong: We totally, totally failed when we tried for the first time this “tailgating” thing real ‘mericans apparently do before sporting events because FOOD—you’re supposed to eat FOOD!!!—but we’ve heard it involves a parking lot and like, drinking games. Non-sportspersons that we are and having aged out of college approximately like, a bazillion years ago, our BasketPong is basically now this big plastic box filled with balls and tubing (hahaha) we truck to house parties and force upon our friends (which is apparently the theme of this gift guide; see Drinkwel blurb above). But seriously, I’ve seen with my own, stabismic eyes y’all enjoying it so you might want to consider purchasing one for the “jocks” on your gift list.

Breakfast: Breakfast drinks are like, my favorite drinks because daydrunk is the best drunk and because breakfast cocktails are basically liquid, alcoholic mini-breakfasts you drink alongside your solid breakfast. You’ve got the Bloody Mary, which is pretty much vodka-spiked gazpacho plus picked salad on a stick and then you’ve got all this shit with egg whites in it, which is like, hello why are eggs so fucking good? Also, there’s some scientific equation about breakfast curing world peace or maybe it was hangovers. In conclusion, I would totally love for you to cook me some breakfast I totally recommend cooking breakfast for your favoritest drunks.

Ok, I’m bored of writing. Drink now. More gift guide tomorrow.

 

Creepy Santa image courtesy of malloreigh (flickr)

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