—Josey & Loosey Goosey (& L.G.’s sister)
Ladies, while science (pffft…whatever, science) may say we can’t drink as much as men—apparently that sexy extra fat we carry makes our bodies metabolize booze at about half their rate—we as females have a distinct advantage in hiding our hangovers from the world’s judgiest-judgers: makeup.
Here, from guest Enthusiast Loosey Goosey (ed. note: NOT HER REAL NAME!!!) and your very own Josey (ed. note: me) are some tips to help you take advantage of the cosmetic tools at your disposal.
(Ed. note: Oh and men can totally wear makeup, too if they want. Something about gender!!! I’m being PC! I’m being PC!!!!)
Look how good I am at hiding my wretched hangovers! #notconvincing #reno
1. First thing’s first: Drink lots of water. Also coconut water. Trust us, your skin will be soooooo much less hideous when it’s (semi) rehydrated. Cause hungover you look like, 30 years older than you actually are (ed. note: no offense).
2. Chisel off the makeup you passed out in. When I wake up after a night of tying it ON the first thing I do is go over my “so-ya-blacked-out-again-last-night” checklist: 1. Where am I? 2. Who else is passed out in this bed/dumpster/jail cell with me? 3. Do I still have my driver’s license? 4. Did I remember to wash off my makeup? In case you were curious, the answers are *usually* 1. Uhhh…I don’t know 2. I DON’T KNOW, OK!?!?? 3. Why, do you want me to drive you home? Are you sure? Me? Really? (*cue maniacal laughter*) 4. Of course not—you stupid, ugly-faced bitch.
Luckily, although no help with quandries 1-3, Almay’s (oil free) eye makeup remover pads will get your maserca-smeared (among other things [HAHAHA]) face squeaky clean in no time!
3. Moisturize. I prefer to use *two kinds* of face lotion at once: Some classic Ponds for serious moisturization and something with an SPF to protect me from the 3 UV rays that manage to penetrate my apartment’s drawn venetian blinds. And chapstick. Lots of chapstick. Because—as L.G. adeptly points out—your lips are probably raw and gross from making out with strangers all night.
4. Get the bloodshot out of your eyes. Pour approximately one bottle of maximum strength eyedrops into each pleading sclera. Any vessels remaining red after their Visine soak are likely burst and going to stay that way. Congratulations, that means you puked last night.
Now apply a little silver eyeliner above your lash line on your lower eyelids; it should help you look slightly more awake. As you might have guessed, L.G. learned this tip from a teen magazine in the 90s (she thinks they recommended white eyeliner).
If your hand is a-shakin’—have a shot of bourbon, you drunk. And consider getting help for your obvious alcohol addiction. Just kidding, we don’t judge. If you’re not steady yet all that means is you should apply mascara only on your upper lashes so it’s less likely to smear and make it look like you’ve been crying—about your alcohol problem. Hahaha…oh, you!
5. Cover your bags. Seriously, you look like you’ve been selling handy js in the alley behind Taco Bell for like, the past two years. Oh, you have? My bad. L.G. uses pressed powder from Sephora (she prefers one with a yellowish tint). I, Josey, am partial to Mac. L.G.’s sister goes instead for regular ol’ concealer. Pro tip: If you’re using powder, apply it with your finger so it goes on thick enough to mask the damage (but not so thick it makes you look like a Halloween decoration).
6. Look alive. That nauseous, cold sweat you’ve broken out in makes your face look hella shiny, eiw. Lightly dust more of that pressed powder all over your sweaty, shiny, gross face with a big, fluffy makeup brush. Blush and/or bronzer will brighten you up and add some much-needed life to your disgusting, corpsey appearence.
7. Optional: Shower. But do it like, first. Before you put all that makeup on. If you wash yourself you’ll smell *less* like the bar floor you woke up on and the cigarettes you are totally for real going to quit smoking today (seriously this time!!!)—if you can manage to stand for more than 5 minutes. And we all know sometimes that just isn’t gonna happen. In lieu of washing your filthy hair, L.G.’s sister recommends dry shampoo, which apparently makes it look less greasy (ed. note: don’t blame me if it doesn’t work, I have never personally tried this product.) As an alternative to showering or dry shampoo, I recommend wearing a hat.
Have any more hangover-hiding tips to share?