Dec
05
2012

Cheers to Repeal Day

On December 5, 1933, the 18th Amendment passed, ending that time of great debauchery in the U.S. we call Prohibition. Drink up today to celebrate the freedom to drink up. Read more »


Jan
26
2011

Five secret flasks

—Josey

1. Wine rack/beer belly: Ever wanted people to point, stare, and loudly whisper mean, insulting things about you and your drinking habits—more so? Ladies, your search for nasty gossip fodder ends here. Sport the wine rack and the booze belly at the same time and presto: Wasted and preggers! Or for a shorter event where less snuck-in booze is needed, look hot instead of creepy with a cheap, surgery-free boob job. The fastest way to any hunky drunk’s heart is letting him suckle your alcohol-filled fake breasts, right? (Hey baby, want a taste?)

2. Cell phone flask:  No one would ever suspect this cell phone’s really a flask—in 2003. C’mon dudes: Make an iPhone version so we can actually get away with this. We live in goddamn San Francisco, for fuck’s sake! We’re snobs! And the belt holder? Bitch, please. Ok fine. I still want it.

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Jan
11
2011

Our three resolutions

—Christian and Josey

Now that your hangover is finally starting to dissipate, it’s time to get serious about the resolutions you drunkenly mispelled into your iPhone notes app then accidently emailed to your boss, or sluredly proclaimed to your puking cell mate in the early hours of January 1st.

Judging by the photographic evidence friends and strangers have posted on Facebook, our twenty-ten was full of long, wild nights and crazy days. And we don’t remember much of it. In twenty-eleven we want to get back to basics and focus on life’s simplest pleasures. So we put together a few resolutions of our own. The trick to a successful resolution? Don’t determine to stop doing something altogether, but rather realize what’s missing from your life and vow its future inclusion. After all: We didn’t get to be the Alcohol Enthusiast by saying no to anything—and we don’t recommend you say no to anything, either.

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Dec
25
2010

Family cheer

—Christian and Josey

There’s something magical about this time of year. The air is crisp with cold and possibility as we huddle inside with the people we care most about.

Parents who cut extra-loose, with stories about after-partying in the ’70s told louder and more insistently following every downed cocktail and emptied bottle of red wine. Your aunt with an over-flowing glass of scotch who travels a few miles past sobriety and reminisces about the pants you wore at nineteen that were so baggy they threatened to expose your nether regions. The underage cousin you sneak a few hundred too many Jack swigs to, whose bedroom floor later feels the wrath of your indiscretion. The overage cousin you do shots of the Goldschlager you hid beneath your bed during high school with—insisting that you still fucking love this stuff and swearing that the bottle wasn’t, in fact, first opened over a decade ago. Even the older, unrelated gentleman who everyone likes but no one remembers inviting, who passes while out standing up and must be carried to a couch to sleep it off.
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Dec
14
2010

Music for Enthusiasts: From Hey Ya! ‘Till the last Sweet Thing’s standing

—Josey

What makes a good drinking song? From first shot to sunrise bottle-swig, here are a few of my wasted favorites.

1) Hey Ya!, André 3000. Two words: Col-lege. Commence frantic, awkward arm-and-leg flailing and vigorous, desperate grabbing at anybody within appendage-reach. Well, that’s what I did when this song played at parties, anyways. Call and response lyrics encourage the boisterous participatory shouting we drunks assume is necessary no matter what song (or lack thereof) is playing. And Mr. 300o’s commands that the soaked and seething mass of booze-sweating bodies “shake it like a Polaroid picture” is the second olive in the dirty martini. Get ready to un-tag some pictures tomorrow morning.


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Nov
24
2010

Thanksgiving for Enthusiasts

—Christian and Josey

We Enthusiasts know that the best way to soak up too much turkey—or Tofurkey, for you crazy vegetarians—stuffing, and mashed potato is by drinking. Heavily.

Aside from it’s science-proven health benefits, booze can go a long way to make family time more bearable. When surrounded by a crowd of people who may or may not approve of your job, how you dress, your five polyamorous life partners, or—GOD FORBID—the number of drinks you down at family functions, it’s all a lot easier to manage when your belly is brimming with boozy cheer. Not to mention that holidays provide yet another perfect excuse to get schnockered before the sun sets.

The eye-opener: Start your morning off right with mimosas and coffee—Enthusiast style! Stash an extra, secret bottle of bubbly near the back of the fridge so you can share with Cousin Sue and still have enough left over for you. You only need to add enough orange juice to your champagne flute for an acceptable tint of color that will help your parents imagine you drink like a “normal person.” And coffee is the perfect vehicle for a whiskey from your preferred world region. Even if your relatives are the teetotaling type and you’ve already finished off the bottle you brought, there’s probably a bottle of something-hard one of your likeminded family members stashed in the bathroom cabinet during their last stay.
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Nov
17
2010

Drunk(s) of the Day: When dru’zombies attack

—Josey

Today, we present two snapshots of the comically wasted.

1. You know how in zombie movies, when the non-zombie protagonists are escaping to safety in an enclosed vehicle, and zombies surround the vehicle and are heavily thumping their rotting appendages against the doors? And pressing their moaning, sallow and hollow-eyed faces against the windows? We had accomplished what can be an impossible task during the post-last call hours in the City by the Bay—we hailed a cab. No sooner had we hoisted our booze-weakened bodies into the backseat, than she with the empty gaze, teetering in strappy, pencil-heeled sandal, pressed palm against glass to steady herself and grabbed at the door handle. Our cab driver immediately locked us in, giggling at what was probably the 8 billionth wasted dame to attempt to commandeer his occupied back seat. Quivering, we heard her palm smack the window and fingers ineffectively yank at the handle.  Seconds dragged on as she futilely struggled. Finally, the light changed and we left Ms. Zombie Apocalypse behind.


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Nov
05
2010

It’s hard to write The Alcohol Enthusiast when you’re an alcohol enthusiast

—Josey


I have to write. After work. I will not go to happy hour. I will head straight home, crack open my laptop, and I will write. I will ignore the late afternoon nervous tick of emails inquiring about today’s “HH.” I will respond to the influx of “what are you guys up to tonight?” texts with an apologetic emoticon face, and a confident “have to write.” Shocked and pleading follow-ups thwarted by my assertions that This Needs to Happen; requisite jokes about the irony of The Alcohol Enthusiast turning down invites to booze, followed by “shhh don’t tell anyone,” winky emoticon face, “oh if they only knew.”

But not drinking is not my secret because that has never happened. When the HH emails and the party-time texts come through the enthusiasm-trembles start pulsing, the anxious inner-pace begins. Then the desks around me turn ghost town, and visions turn to vodka, and visions become karaoke and peep shows and 4am.

It’s hard to write The Alcohol Enthusiast when you’re an alcohol enthusiast.
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Oct
29
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to happy hour

—Josey

All Enthusiasts know that happy hour is a lie.

Not the happy part—the hour part. While billed as a way to decompress with friends and co-workers at the end of a challenging work week—or to remind yourself that there are good things in this world in the midst of a hellacious one—for Enthusiasts, happy hour is simply a financially-savvy method of kicking off a drinking marathon. So how can an Enthusiast make the most of her Friday happy twelve hours?
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Oct
27
2010

Music for Enthusiasts: What makes a good drinking song?

—Christian

What makes a good drinking song? Well, think about the last time you sang along while drunk. Chances are it was catchy, fairly hard driving and likely fun to dance to (read: stumble and/or clutch the shoulder of the nearest individual to). For me, good drinking songs are high energy and, for the most part, widely recognized. Here are a few favorites I always find myself belting out in my off-key, a-melodic, rhythmless voice.

1. To start, I call your attention to my favorite karaoke song of all time: “The Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying.” Largely spoken word, this Bloodhound Gang number is a great because even a total musical incompetent like myself can make it sound pretty convincing. Another attribute that makes this a good drinking song? Funny lyrics. What a song lacks in catchiness can easily be made up for with humor. And a combination of the two is unstoppable—just look at limericks.

“It was even more of a turn on when I found out she was doin’ me to buy baby formula.”

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