Oct
14
2010

You’re doin’ it wrong!

—Jason

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that our best intentions may have gone astray. In fact, they may have jumped into a jeep, lit themselves on fire and driven headlong into the Grand Canyon, Thelma & Louise style…

Here are 4 ways of getting drunk we’ve recently heard of, and we’ve just gotta say … you’re doing it wrong.

4. Russian aftershave


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Sep
20
2010

Enthusiastic collections: Beer

—Christian

There is some innate drive in people that motivates them to amass wide arrays of a particular items. A quick pass at collectors.org will reveal that if something exists, there are people who collect it. And alcohol ephemera is no exception.

We’ve already highlighted the temple of Spain’s most ardent Jack Daniel’s enthusiast. That is a perfect example of someone who’s love of a particular brand of booze goes beyond mere happy hour hobby and crosses over into fanaticism. Because it’s one thing to simply enjoy the gods’ nectar, and it’s entirely another to devote a fair amount of one’s time, resources and living space to the accumulation of product, containers, accouterment, apparatus, etc.
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Sep
08
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to surviving a hurricane

—Dan

Having just been paid a visit by my new friend Earl, I thought I’d provide fellow Enthusiasts with some tips on how to best survive a hurricane.

First off, remember that a hurricane can leave you without power, communication, or transportation for days; so proper prior planning is necessary to prevent fear/boredom and keep you and yours safe and sound. These hurricanes, devastating as they can be, don’t often come out of nowhere and usually move plenty slow enough to ensure time to collect supplies and establish a communal location with fellow Enthusiasts to sit out the storm. In my experience, the local A.S.S. (Amagansett Seafood Store) club, hosted by a drunken Irishman, suffices quite adequately. Regardless of your shelter location, remember that you of course need to stock up on necessities: ice, pre-cooked food (jambalaya!), and most importantly, booze—and lots of it. Mixers aren’t a bad idea either, as you may want to keep your options for beverage concoctions open as the storm outside (and within) rages on.
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Sep
03
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to tying the knot

—Christian and Josey

Full disclosure: two of us here at Alcohol Enthusiast headquarters are married—to each other. Ok, ok—we get it. Stop making that fake gagging noise. Just hurry up and get drunker so you can be happy for us already.

When two Enthusiasts meet, blackout and forget that they met, then meet again and attribute their deja vu-esque recollection of one another to some sort of important past life connection, get wasted, fall in love, and decide at some point to make this most unholy and booze-soaked of unions legit—there are certain rules that must be followed in the planning of the wedding. Just as a Catholic wedding requires readings from both Testaments and a Psalm song, and Jewish grooms break glasses—a wedding between two (or more) Enthusiasts must also follow certain tenets of faith.
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Aug
17
2010

I’m sorry about last night

—Josey

The cold, clammy memory of last night’s apology-necessitating act is every Enthusiast’s nauseating-yet-necessary champion-breakfast appetizer (breakfast of course being Kentucky coffee and a fist full of aspirin). But there are as many types of dristakes as there are Enthusiasts to make them. What is the best way to handle your victims the morning after?

1. I’m sorry I puked. You’re going to have to replace or thoroughly clean whatever you emptied last night’s Nail plus last night’s Double Down on. If you regurgitate on your friend and they demand you bathe them to undo your damage, do your enthusiastic duty: roll up your sleeves, and start gently cleansing their bare flesh with a warm, sudsy, over-sized sponge. Whether what you’re doing is literally cleaning up yesterday’s chunky over-enthusiasm or merely fulfilling their previously-repressed fantasies about you, just go with it. And if your vomit victim’s eyes roll back as you sponge away and they start muttering “nurse … nurse” in between satisfied gasps, keep sponging—you’re on the path to forgiveness. Besides, as an Enthusiast you’ve experienced and enacted far stranger things. Alternatively you could offer a revenge-heave. Gets you out of soaping them down, and/or paying to dryclean their “swayed” jacked and/or having to bleach their car’s air conditioning vents. What do you care about a return regurgitation? You’re wasted!

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Aug
12
2010

Team building

—Prez

We had this team-building thing coming up at work. I’m not going to bore you with the details—nor compromise any identities—but let’s just say it involved going out into a body of water on waterborne vessels of some type, propelled by yours truly and his cohorts. Naturally, “BOOZE!” popped into my head the second I heard about this. I set out immediately on a complicated mission with several objectives.

First and foremost, I had to seek out the fellow drinkers who were going on the trip. This posed no great challenge. I don’t know what it is (and that’s part of the magic), but something deeper than our mutual love for that sweet, fermented, nectar-of-the-gods binds all Enthusiasts. We flocked to each other like birds migrating south for the winter, and without any hesitation, immediately decided that we would be inebriated at said-event.
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Aug
06
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to drunkamping

—Christian

I know the Enthusiast has already expounded on the trials and tribulations of drinking in public, but today I’d like to talk about a different kind of outdoor drinking. Namely, that which is done in the modern cradle of mother nature—the campsite. Here is the Enthusiasts’ guide to camping, guaranteed to ensure that your next journey in the wild* does not involve even a bit of sobriety.

The first rule of thumb is: you’re always going to under estimate. Unless your friends are a bunch of teetotalers, the carefree atmosphere of hanging out under the open sky, combined with the lack of responsibility a single bar of service on your cell phone engenders, will almost assuredly result in the lot of you drinking constantly. As such, be sure to bring plenty of hooch, and the right combination is very important.
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Jul
30
2010

Ask The Enthusiast: Dr. Hatt

Dear Enthusiast,
My alcohol soaked friend thought it would be funny to open a fake Facebook account for me.  Is it okay to smear poop on his car in retaliation?

—Dr. Hatt

Dear Dr. Hatt,

As useful a tool as Facebook is for 3am, criminally-inappropriate public proclamations of cousins and/or co-workers’ “hotness,” the world’s favoritest social networking site can be a minefield for the very drunk—and their slightly more sober friends. While it’s tempting to get angry at your booze-soaked buddy for what you, judging by your cruel choice of revenge, perceive as a malicious act, you’ve really got to look at this from his perspective: He was trying to help you.

I’m trembling with enthusiasm!

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Jul
29
2010

Ask The Enthusiast: Sobering up in Seattle

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that while in an enthusiastic state, common rules of decorum break down. Manners fall apart. People ass out. Chaos can ensue.

So we’re piloting a new column on TAE, Ask The Enthusiast, where you can ask us all your most enthusiastic, drinking-related questions. And which we will be happy to answer.

After we’ve made sweet sweet love on my … is this a cot?
This is called a cot, right? On my cot.

The lone fifth: To yoink or not to yoink?

If I am at a house party, it’s after beer-30, I’m planning to stay a while still, and I notice there is only one fifth of liquor left in the kitchen, is it okay for me to grab it and hide it in my purse to ensure I stay properly enthusiastic for the duration of my time there? Or do I need to share with the other guests?

—Sobering up in Seattle
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Jul
03
2010

Be proud, Enthusiasts!

—Jason

I don’t usually wax philosophical (preferring more often to wax off—bah dump chssht!), but I wanted to take a moment to question a few things about drinking, or rather attitudes towards it here in the good ol’ US of A.

I’m talking about all the raised eyebrows and whispers around the watercooler when you show up to work hungover, the hangdog looks and the “I’m sorrys” that accompany particularly great nights out with the boys, even the stern talks with yourself in the mirror Saturday morning when you find the 200 bucks you took out for the whole weekend is now $16.89.

It’s a deep-seated thing, a bad genetic memory even—this Puritanical notion that drinking is bad. Not bad for you, or bad for the earth or bad tasting, but just simply Bad. Morally reprehensible. Evil. Wrong. There’s a stigma surrounding drinking and it’s especially prevalent in the US, where a good many of us are descended from our European brethren who made a run for it way back in the day. It runs deep in many and it’s time we put things in perspective.

I would like to posit to our readers that drinking is not only not bad, but good—even healthy and beneficial to the bodies, minds and souls of those that decide to partake of the Enthusiast’s much-maligned drug of choice. Here’s why:
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