Jun
27
2012

Taste test: Whiskey Dick

—Josey

Whiskey Dick is more than just every enthusiastic man’s nightmare. It’s also the name of a bourbon-flavored lube. I’m a long-time fan of both bourbon and putting penises in my mouth, so this lube is basically the realization of like, about a third of my fantasies.

Because I’m a distinguished member of the alcoholic press, I emailed the Whiskey Dick company‘s super-official “media” address, basked in my own specialness for a few, and waited patiently for my Whiskey Dick to arrive. And guess what? My Whiskey Dick popped up—I mean, didn’t pop up—later that night! Take my wife, please.
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Apr
27
2011

Food For Drunks: Cooking 101

—Christian

Sometimes you are drunk and there is no way to acquire food not made by your own hand. Maybe you left your debit card at the bar and then spent your last dollars plugging the receding window at the peepshow. Or maybe it’s 4:00am and you don’t live in New York, so the closest place that’s open 24-hours would require too sobering a walk to make it worth it. Perhaps you finally made it home where the booze is, so why would you want to leave again? Regardless of the reason, there comes a time in every Enthusiast’s life that they need to cook. More specifically, cook while less than sober.

The first step is to take an honest self-assessment of how drunk you really are. Can you stand without one hand on the counter? Good, let’s reach for the frying pan. No? Maybe get out a bowl and spoon instead. As I’m sure you know, food prep can be a pretty dangerous activity, even while sober, so your choice of meal should take into careful consideration how acute your motor skills are at the time.
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Oct
20
2010

Food for Drunks: Clam chowder

—Josey

Once upon a teenage year, I lived and schooled in New York City. I had a bad attitude with musical taste to match, and could cook nothing well except bagels and cream cheese, and the occasionally inspired Top Ramen with egg. One spring weekend I hosted an out of town Enthusiast. The first stop on the BlackOut Express was supposed to be a goth club, so we ripped holes in black stockings and smeared the crap out of our eyeliner. I don’t know why, but we never ended up at any clubs that night, let alone goth ones. This was awesome because it meant we stumbled to various, snobby college parties dressed like complete tools for no justified reason. The night ended as all successful weekend-visitor kick-off binges do, with sunrise-purchased 40s cracked open on a curb near my apartment. As we swigged, a waterfront fun run sweat past in the rising dawn, and I think we might have cheered a little, our angsty makeup and bottle-shaped brown bags betraying the illusion we were early-rising race fans.

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Oct
05
2010

Food for Drunks: Pork belly donuts and Pine State biscuits

—Josey

You know when you’re halfway through a bottle of Kirkland Signature vodka and you get an empty, gnawing feeling in your gut? Occasionally, that’s not just last weekend’s regrettable (and documented) intercourse acts eating away at you, nor the bulk bottle of vodka getting 86’d from your system. Sometimes, that gnawing means you’re hungry. For food.

But while an oily slice of pepperoni swiped off your bar neighbor’s table while they’re getting another round, or a stale handful of Movie Theater Butter popcorn out of a yellow-stained bag perched atop your friend’s kitchen garbage will satisfy in a pinch, there are certain edibles that will really tickle your booze-drenched belly until in screams in joy.

With this new series, Food for Drunks, we aim to hunt down the world’s most Enthusiast-friendly provisions—and, enjoy the shit of out them.
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