I’m sorry about last night


The cold, clammy memory of last night’s apology-necessitating act is every Enthusiast’s nauseating-yet-necessary champion-breakfast appetizer (breakfast of course being Kentucky coffee and a fist full of aspirin). But there are as many types of dristakes as there are Enthusiasts to make them. What is the best way to handle your victims the morning after?

1. I’m sorry I puked. You’re going to have to replace or thoroughly clean whatever you emptied last night’s Nail plus last night’s Double Down on. If you regurgitate on your friend and they demand you bathe them to undo your damage, do your enthusiastic duty: roll up your sleeves, and start gently cleansing their bare flesh with a warm, sudsy, over-sized sponge. Whether what you’re doing is literally cleaning up yesterday’s chunky over-enthusiasm or merely fulfilling their previously-repressed fantasies about you, just go with it. And if your vomit victim’s eyes roll back as you sponge away and they start muttering “nurse … nurse” in between satisfied gasps, keep sponging—you’re on the path to forgiveness. Besides, as an Enthusiast you’ve experienced and enacted far stranger things. Alternatively you could offer a revenge-heave. Gets you out of soaping them down, and/or paying to dryclean their “swayed” jacked and/or having to bleach their car’s air conditioning vents. What do you care about a return regurgitation? You’re wasted!

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