Haiku for drunks: Walter Sobchak



So many good men
Died face down in Hanoi mud
So we can drink this


Donny, my Donny
You are just like a child man
Please, shut the fuck up


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Ask The Enthusiast: Sobering up in Seattle

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that while in an enthusiastic state, common rules of decorum break down. Manners fall apart. People ass out. Chaos can ensue.

So we’re piloting a new column on TAE, Ask The Enthusiast, where you can ask us all your most enthusiastic, drinking-related questions. And which we will be happy to answer.

After we’ve made sweet sweet love on my … is this a cot?
This is called a cot, right? On my cot.

The lone fifth: To yoink or not to yoink?

If I am at a house party, it’s after beer-30, I’m planning to stay a while still, and I notice there is only one fifth of liquor left in the kitchen, is it okay for me to grab it and hide it in my purse to ensure I stay properly enthusiastic for the duration of my time there? Or do I need to share with the other guests?

—Sobering up in Seattle
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An Enthusiast’s guide to drinking in public


Waking up to the hot-ass sun painfully penetrating one’s hung-the-fuck-over frontal lobe is enough to make any Enthusiast want to start throwing sheets to the wind. It’s summer, and street fairs, parks, playgrounds, public beaches, marathons, county fairs, and the slightly-less urine-soaked bus stop in front of your girlfriend’s stepmom’s apartment complex are looking ripe for the boozing in.*

In a pinch, any alcoholic substance within grabbing distance can (and should) be consumed outside—but there are certain hassles and risks involved when said outdoors is in what the courts define as “public.” So, if  you have some imbibe-preparation time, here are a few insights to help your load stay light and legal record squeaky clean:

1. A 16-hour supply of beer is bulky as FUCK. For the Enthsiast on the go, that backpack of beer is your cross to bear. Same problem with bottles of wine, and the bladder from the Franzia box is a tad too conspicuous.

2. Liquor is quicker—but let’s face it: flasks don’t hold enough booze. Even the stylishness of this sneak-a-swig doesn’t compensate for the fact that you’re going to be out of Early Times before your first funnel cake.  And you have to suspect that around each woven-goods stall in Anytown Main Street Fair USA a cop could be waiting—waiting—for you to pull that bottle of Taaka out of your bag so he can escort your enthusiastic ass across the car-blocking barricades in full view of curious, face-painted children and/or tipsy adults, uncomfortably waiting for Porta Potties.
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