Oct
29
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to happy hour

—Josey

All Enthusiasts know that happy hour is a lie.

Not the happy part—the hour part. While billed as a way to decompress with friends and co-workers at the end of a challenging work week—or to remind yourself that there are good things in this world in the midst of a hellacious one—for Enthusiasts, happy hour is simply a financially-savvy method of kicking off a drinking marathon. So how can an Enthusiast make the most of her Friday happy twelve hours?
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Oct
27
2010

Music for Enthusiasts: What makes a good drinking song?

—Christian

What makes a good drinking song? Well, think about the last time you sang along while drunk. Chances are it was catchy, fairly hard driving and likely fun to dance to (read: stumble and/or clutch the shoulder of the nearest individual to). For me, good drinking songs are high energy and, for the most part, widely recognized. Here are a few favorites I always find myself belting out in my off-key, a-melodic, rhythmless voice.

1. To start, I call your attention to my favorite karaoke song of all time: “The Lap Dance Is So Much Better When the Stripper Is Crying.” Largely spoken word, this Bloodhound Gang number is a great because even a total musical incompetent like myself can make it sound pretty convincing. Another attribute that makes this a good drinking song? Funny lyrics. What a song lacks in catchiness can easily be made up for with humor. And a combination of the two is unstoppable—just look at limericks.

“It was even more of a turn on when I found out she was doin’ me to buy baby formula.”

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Oct
20
2010

Food for Drunks: Clam chowder

—Josey

Once upon a teenage year, I lived and schooled in New York City. I had a bad attitude with musical taste to match, and could cook nothing well except bagels and cream cheese, and the occasionally inspired Top Ramen with egg. One spring weekend I hosted an out of town Enthusiast. The first stop on the BlackOut Express was supposed to be a goth club, so we ripped holes in black stockings and smeared the crap out of our eyeliner. I don’t know why, but we never ended up at any clubs that night, let alone goth ones. This was awesome because it meant we stumbled to various, snobby college parties dressed like complete tools for no justified reason. The night ended as all successful weekend-visitor kick-off binges do, with sunrise-purchased 40s cracked open on a curb near my apartment. As we swigged, a waterfront fun run sweat past in the rising dawn, and I think we might have cheered a little, our angsty makeup and bottle-shaped brown bags betraying the illusion we were early-rising race fans.

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Oct
14
2010

You’re doin’ it wrong!

—Jason

It has come to our attention here at the Enthusiast that our best intentions may have gone astray. In fact, they may have jumped into a jeep, lit themselves on fire and driven headlong into the Grand Canyon, Thelma & Louise style…

Here are 4 ways of getting drunk we’ve recently heard of, and we’ve just gotta say … you’re doing it wrong.

4. Russian aftershave


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Oct
12
2010

Unlimited expatriate enthusiasm

—Milla

Dining room at the Westin Beijing.

I have recently taken up residence in a country where drinking is neither prolific, nor genetically advisable due to the incredibly unfortunate absence of an all-important enzyme. Yes—this British Enthusiast is in China, the land where even a waft of alcohol sends most locals into a flush, rendering true enthusiasm near impossible.

So when an establishment such as the Westin Beijing, with its many stars and respectable patrons, invited an Enthusiast such as myself to get “bubbalicious” on a Sunday, “any time from 11am,” I doubt they understood the chaos that was likely to ensue.
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Oct
05
2010

Food for Drunks: Pork belly donuts and Pine State biscuits

—Josey

You know when you’re halfway through a bottle of Kirkland Signature vodka and you get an empty, gnawing feeling in your gut? Occasionally, that’s not just last weekend’s regrettable (and documented) intercourse acts eating away at you, nor the bulk bottle of vodka getting 86’d from your system. Sometimes, that gnawing means you’re hungry. For food.

But while an oily slice of pepperoni swiped off your bar neighbor’s table while they’re getting another round, or a stale handful of Movie Theater Butter popcorn out of a yellow-stained bag perched atop your friend’s kitchen garbage will satisfy in a pinch, there are certain edibles that will really tickle your booze-drenched belly until in screams in joy.

With this new series, Food for Drunks, we aim to hunt down the world’s most Enthusiast-friendly provisions—and, enjoy the shit of out them.
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Sep
22
2010

When we drink

—Josey

I embarked on my first week-long bender because I got dumped. Even when you know it’s coming, when you’re young—or maybe, also, when you’re not—it sucks. Really bad. After pleading and crying and many empty threats, I called some friends, went to the Greyhound station, got hit-on by some dude on his way to a Job Corps forestry program, and tearfully rode the bus to Santa Cruz, where I wallowed in cheap vodka, puked up cheap vodka, and might have eaten a burrito at some point. I stumbled through five misty, hazy days of drunk before catching a ride home. Splitting headache and trembling hands aside, I felt much better than I had before I left. I felt cleansed.
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Sep
08
2010

An Enthusiast’s guide to surviving a hurricane

—Dan

Having just been paid a visit by my new friend Earl, I thought I’d provide fellow Enthusiasts with some tips on how to best survive a hurricane.

First off, remember that a hurricane can leave you without power, communication, or transportation for days; so proper prior planning is necessary to prevent fear/boredom and keep you and yours safe and sound. These hurricanes, devastating as they can be, don’t often come out of nowhere and usually move plenty slow enough to ensure time to collect supplies and establish a communal location with fellow Enthusiasts to sit out the storm. In my experience, the local A.S.S. (Amagansett Seafood Store) club, hosted by a drunken Irishman, suffices quite adequately. Regardless of your shelter location, remember that you of course need to stock up on necessities: ice, pre-cooked food (jambalaya!), and most importantly, booze—and lots of it. Mixers aren’t a bad idea either, as you may want to keep your options for beverage concoctions open as the storm outside (and within) rages on.
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Aug
20
2010

Best friends forever: Part two

—Hardie

Continued from yesterday’s “Best friends forever: Part one.”

I resumed scanning the room. Across from me in at the bar was a skinny middle-aged blond man I’d seen a few times over the last week and who—to my perhaps overly enthusiastic mind—was either pretending to have, or actually only had, one arm. Upon closer inspection, it became clear that his other arm, strung up in a sling, was obscured by his blue jean vest. He was accompanied by what looked like a younger clone—but with two arms—and indeed, my previous companion had suggested this was his beloved son. They got the father-son special: a pitcher of sangria for 13 Euros.
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Aug
17
2010

I’m sorry about last night

—Josey

The cold, clammy memory of last night’s apology-necessitating act is every Enthusiast’s nauseating-yet-necessary champion-breakfast appetizer (breakfast of course being Kentucky coffee and a fist full of aspirin). But there are as many types of dristakes as there are Enthusiasts to make them. What is the best way to handle your victims the morning after?

1. I’m sorry I puked. You’re going to have to replace or thoroughly clean whatever you emptied last night’s Nail plus last night’s Double Down on. If you regurgitate on your friend and they demand you bathe them to undo your damage, do your enthusiastic duty: roll up your sleeves, and start gently cleansing their bare flesh with a warm, sudsy, over-sized sponge. Whether what you’re doing is literally cleaning up yesterday’s chunky over-enthusiasm or merely fulfilling their previously-repressed fantasies about you, just go with it. And if your vomit victim’s eyes roll back as you sponge away and they start muttering “nurse … nurse” in between satisfied gasps, keep sponging—you’re on the path to forgiveness. Besides, as an Enthusiast you’ve experienced and enacted far stranger things. Alternatively you could offer a revenge-heave. Gets you out of soaping them down, and/or paying to dryclean their “swayed” jacked and/or having to bleach their car’s air conditioning vents. What do you care about a return regurgitation? You’re wasted!

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