Aug
31
2011

What to pack for your long weekend: An Enthusiasts’ checklist

—Josey

There are two things we don’t think work better drunk here at the Alcohol Enthusiast, and driving is one of them. (The other one is your mom’s penis, in case you were wondering—heyo!) So I’ll preface this road trip list with a big “IF.” IF you can sober up long enough to drive someplace or you’re a really excellent liar who feigns a pitiable combination of congenital Strabismus and inability to operate your household’s only vehicle because it’s a stick shift person whose friends crave their company so deeply they offer to stay off the sauce for a few hours to drive you all somewhere super sweet for the weekend, here’s what you should bring to ensure a bitching time: Read more »


Jan
26
2011

Five secret flasks

—Josey

1. Wine rack/beer belly: Ever wanted people to point, stare, and loudly whisper mean, insulting things about you and your drinking habits—more so? Ladies, your search for nasty gossip fodder ends here. Sport the wine rack and the booze belly at the same time and presto: Wasted and preggers! Or for a shorter event where less snuck-in booze is needed, look hot instead of creepy with a cheap, surgery-free boob job. The fastest way to any hunky drunk’s heart is letting him suckle your alcohol-filled fake breasts, right? (Hey baby, want a taste?)

2. Cell phone flask:  No one would ever suspect this cell phone’s really a flask—in 2003. C’mon dudes: Make an iPhone version so we can actually get away with this. We live in goddamn San Francisco, for fuck’s sake! We’re snobs! And the belt holder? Bitch, please. Ok fine. I still want it.

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