5 ways to drink green

This is not a post about absinthe (pictured).

Earth Day is officially over-the-hill today. Instead of celebrating with an organic flax-flour cake festooned with mini sustainable wax gravestones, we thought we’d mark the occasion the way an Enthusiast should—by greening our drinking.

No, we’re not talking about being a double agent, nor are we suggesting you seek out bio dynamic beer. Unless you already picked up a sixer, in which case, we’ll take four. Really should’ve gotten a case …

Without further ado, here are 5 ways Enthusiasts can drink green in honor of Earth Day:

1) Buy in bulk and swig from the bottle: Stop wasting Mother Earth’s precious reserves of small bottles, and go big. Drinking only from it’s sweet, sweet lips ensures no water is wasted washing drink glasses, and everyone knows soap is toxic. The dudes at the Costco check-out will probably ask if you’re “having a party,” but you can effectively shame them when you explain you’ve gone green.

2) Kegerator: Maybe you’ve lived in a house with a kegerator in the past. You lucky bastards. Unless it was a fraternity house, in which case, hahaha … That’s just the jealousy laughing. Anyways, home kegs are great as they avoid using up all those bottle- or can-making-materials, but that extra refrigerator to keep the damn thing chilly isn’t doing Mama E any favors, so swallow your remaining gulps of cold pride and prepare to drink warm beer. You’re just being old-fashioned, and anything retro is constantly on the verge of becoming trendy. Finally, to ensure your home keg is optimally earth-friendly, always drink from the tap. How dare you even think about wasting a plastic cup to drink from this thing, or a glass that you’ll wash with soap/poison.

3) Walk to the bar: Like, DUH. Kiss Mama E’s ass by using your feet instead of fossil fuels to get to your favorite watering holes. As an added bonus, you can avoid joining the DUI (pronounced “dewy”) club. Of course, you’re still not completely immune from silly “laws” governing “drunk and disorderly” “behavior” so keep a low-pro as you stumble happily home.

4) Make hooch at home: Concerned about the transportation-related Co2 emissions your booze generates as it travels to your local liquor store, and want to do something about it? And the packaging! Worried your over-Enthusiasm might equal excess waste? What about all those leftover, near-molding citrus fruits you bought to use as cocktail garnishes (or those apples you bought—you know, to keep doctors from sneaking into your house and messing with your stuff)? Seems like a waste to throw them away, doesn’t it?  Fear not, fellow Enthusiasts, for now all of this guilt can be avoided (by taking real action, not just drinking it into oblivion). Simply ferment your own booze from old fruit just like they do in prison.

5) If the store is all out of green food coloring: Mix blue and yellow together. Happy St. Paddy’s day!

—Josey and Christian